What happened??

I got a bad surprise last week. I normally track my weight in My Fitness Pal on Thursdays. I vaguely thought, "Hm, I don't remember tracking that last Thursday, so I guess I'll have two weeks to enter." Imagine my shock when I logged in and realized my last weight check-in was September 10 - five weeks without logging my weight! That hasn't happened since I began WW in 2008! I have been weighing most days, so I had an idea of the number. But it's no accident that when I looked through my food tracker, there were many blank days where I had completely forgotten to even log in and track my daily food or exercise. Notice a pattern??

The ugly truth is I picked up 11 pounds during my anxiety meltdown and sad spell over the past five weeks. The heaviness I felt in my day-to-day life wasn't just in my chest - it was also in my gut and thighs. Boo! This photo was taken yesterday, and thankfully with the autumn clothes, I don't feel like it's noticeable.

Last Thursday, I just woke up feeling more like myself - I don't know how else to describe it. I also realized I'd forgotten to check on a fairly important work task over the same period - it just completely slipped my mind. I have had anxiety spells before, but I don't recall ever losing five weeks of my life before. This was the first time I felt unable to fully function most days, and it's something I feel I need to address with my doctor.

The situation that has been making me sad is pretty much resolved, except in my worry brain. There's nothing I can do to make it better, and I honestly think I'm the only person who is still worrying about it. Isn't there a Buddhist teaching that says something like, "Suffering comes from refusing to accept a situation?" That's so me, and I cause myself a lot of pain with my inability/refusal to just let go. I have this thing where, if a life event doesn't make any sense, I just work and work it over in my mind, until suddenly the truth sifts to the surface, and resonates with a loud "dong" in my mind. I'm not there yet, but I know when I get there, I will be at peace with it.

One thing that makes me feel better is at least I have picked back up with my exercise in the past week, and I've been filling all three circles on my Apple Watch most days. My food choices haven't been terrible, but they have been excessive pretty much every day. Both bread and sugar have welcomed me back with open arms, and neither react well with my system. 

Time to act and eat mindfully again. Time to get honest about my intake. Time to walk the walk I always say: "If the problem isn't hunger, then food isn't the answer."