Werk!

 

(Musical theater nerd reference to Hamilton!)

After my meltdown last week, this has actually been a good week. My husband and I agree that just when we reach the end of our ropes is when we have a breakthrough that makes us realize everything is going to be OK.

This semester, Marlena has been working incredibly hard preparing for a few performances. It all has come together the past couple of weeks: she did a fantastic job on her Rent solo at her school concert. Then this past weekend, she did her first concert with the Allegro Music Company, the pre-professional choral group at her arts center. After a couple weeks with that group, she said her goal for the year was to get one solo. So far, she's gotten *two* solos with them, and performed the first on Saturday. It was fantastic! And most importantly, she was happy with it. She was also thrilled to be featured on the program cover! 

This is a really great group of singers and dancers, and Marlena is having a great time getting to know them. Not only are they talented musicians, but they are some truly kind kids who are supportive to each other and good influences for the younger kids.

It is an amazing feeling to see your child work hard and consistently, and reach a goal they weren't sure they *could* achieve! I, of course, was confident in her the whole time, but it's most important that *she* believe she can do it. We are incredibly proud of her! 

(Goofy music nerds letting off steam after the concert)

Self-Acceptance Wake-up Call

Do any of you read Andie Mitchell's blog? I have been a fan of hers for several years, and her latest blog post really hit home with me.
Why Self-Acceptance Matters

It's such a timely topic for me. It just hit me this morning, with true intensity, that I have been punishing myself again. I am down on myself about pretty much everything right now, doubting all my life choices on an hourly basis. The past five mornings, anxiety has woken me up at 4:30am, with my heart pounding and gut-churning worry until I go ahead and get up. My self-talk has been critical and mean. Eating has sometimes been simply to fill that sinking feeling in my tummy. That, combined with Thanksgiving, has added another five pounds to my scale, rather than the 10 I planned to lose.

I could go on and on about all the mistakes I've been making, but the bottom line is: I'm blaming myself for all my daughter's problems, and I'm punishing myself for it. All the regular Weight Watchers self-talk feels false. When the shrink tells you to lock up all the knives and medicine to keep your child safe, "if hunger isn't the problem . . . blah blah" feels like a crappy platitude.

So I needed this reminder today to be kind to myself. I promise I will practice telling myself, "You're doing the best you can," and even more importantly, I will strive to believe it.

Love, Actually

 (Oh my goodness, doesn't this scene just kill you?!)

The mom of a teen girl told me yesterday, "Can you imagine? 15 years old and thinks she's in love? *laughs*" I smiled politely, but yes, I can imagine. I may have forgotten most details about being a teenager, but man, do I ever remember the intense crushes I had. It was certainly different than the "tested for-better-for-worse, married with kids and a 30-year mortgage" kind of love. But as the parent of a new teen, I see through adult eyes that the positive side of teen love has such sweetness, trust, and purity. It makes my heart hurt because I see through jaded 44-year-old eyes that once someone has been hurt by a first love, they'll never have that exact experience again. 

Who are we as parents to belittle our children's emotional experiences? Why should I have any doubt that my child, who has always been securely attached and sweetly loving to our family, shouldn't also love her friends and boyfriend? After all, I've taught my child that loving new people doesn't mean we lose the love we feel for those already familiar to us - our hearts expand endlessly to make room for all those we love. I try to carefully vet the people we let in our family circle, but I believe that love and human connection are essential to her well-being. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic - after all, one of my all-time favorite movies is Love, Actually, and I'm an optimist who loves romances. But I do truly believe in all kinds of love: parents, grandparents, extended family, friends, and I do believe that the love teens feel is real. 

(With the caveat that I believe in supervision, responsibility, and am teaching personal respect and boundaries. I'm not endorsing Romeo & Juliet behavior, and have no desire to be a grandma for many years! And this post is not meant to violate anyone's privacy - it's merely my  reaction to a comment that was probably well-meant.)

(Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell was the best book I've read all summer. I highly recommend it!)

Marking The Good Times

I started a post yesterday when I was having an extremely down-feeling day. Just one of those days where nothing particular had happened, yet my anxious brain was telling me I was doing everything wrong. My daughter is back in school and doing well, but I had this leftover feeling of dread from one final summer meltdown last weekend.

When I got home, my family was in a great mood and it turned my mood around. My daughter and I took a very long walk to a local park, and we had the best talk. My goal on our walk-and-talks is always to listen to what's on her mind, and ask good questions to elicit her feelings about what's going on with her. I can't even express my relief and happiness that she's on an upswing right now. While we were at the park, it started drizzling, which she absolutely loves. Luckily we didn't get soaked!

The sun started setting as we crossed the bridge on the way home, so we stopped and talked about all the colors of the sunset for a few minutes. Then I turned eastward, and noticed there was a complete rainbow in the sky! It was so beautiful, and lasted all the way until dark. We all went to bed early, and I had my fourth good night of sleep since May.

I am normally quite an optimistic person and able to trust there's good in most situations. My current anxiety and depression are temporary, and I will get through them. I remembered something my wise daughter said recently about "marking the good times," so she has them  stored to remember when she's having a sad day. I'm going to do the same, and last night will definitely be one of the good times I mark.

Last Day of Summer

Today is the last weekday before Marlena returns to school on Monday. It has been the longest summer of my life, so I'm ready for school! I don't guess the kids are ever ready, but I know the routine will do a world of good for Marlena and her friends.

The end of the summer has been all about music. After an illness and injury during the spring musical, Marlena was ready for a break from singing for a while. She's done some really cool arts camps this summer: oil painting, film, a brief stint at pottery, an amazing dance intensive, as well as some dance classes. But after a lot of deliberation, she signed up for an a cappella camp the past two weeks, and she says it was probably the best extra-curricular she's ever done. She sang a solo in "Over The Rainbow," and helped organize a quintet to sing "Run To You," a very difficult Pentatonix song, in four days. The kids were so proud to pull that off!

It has been a summer of many changes, learning about ourselves, learning to trust, learning about relationships, learning to let go a little, and most of all, learning that parenting a teen is more different from parenting an elementary-aged kid than I could have imagined.

I have also learned that even if I loosen the choke hold on my diet a little bit, I won't suddenly balloon back to 300 pounds. It hasn't been that difficult to maintain my weight this summer, thank goodness. My gut-churning anxiety is still around, but I finally made a doctor's appointment to get it checked out. Probably the best part of my summer has been taking evening walks with Marlena. I'm sure the extra activity has helped offset my more moderate diet. I'm mostly grateful for the opportunity to listen to her thoughts and keep our lines of communication open.

The Only Way Out Is Through

We Americans like shortcuts, don't we? I know I do. I'm always looking for the quickest, most-efficient way to do pretty much every task. When I was in labor, the hospital doula told me something I've never forgotten: "The only way out is through." Holy cow, that pretty much summarized childbirth for me! But I've realized since then that it applies to many other life situations. I found it very true with weight loss and fitness. *Feeling* feelings, which I used to eat to numb.

Grief is a big one. I remember going through a period of about 10 years where I simply didn't cry much. But boy howdy, did I eat! No coincidence that was the time period where I experienced the biggest gains of my life.

My family experienced a big loss last week. My Pa-Pa (my mom's father) passed away at age 94. Although his health hadn't been great the past few months, he was able to be home and driving until the last four days of his life when he had a sudden illness. The speed of his illness was very hard on my mom, but we are all happy he didn't have to give up his independence, which was one of his defining personality traits. He was the smartest man any of us ever knew, and in reminiscing this weekend, I realize I get so much of my personality from him.

I spent the weekend being strong for my mom and helping as much as I could with all the arrangements. My husband and I played and sang at the funeral, which was the first time I've ever attempted that. So much being strong, and today I am completely spent. Truthfully, I have been running on fumes all summer - my husband and I had a long discussion where he thought last summer was the worst ever, but I think this one has been. Constant stress and worry about my daughter has left me feeling gutted every day. We're doing everything we can, and as the school year approaches, we're seeing signs that she's returning to herself.

In the midst of the funeral planning, my massage therapist called to book an appointment for my expiring Living Social coupon. Mentally, I know I need it now more than ever. I'm feeling guilty about taking the hour away from home, when I've been gone for 5 days, the refrigerator is pretty empty, the laundry not done, the house not clean, and I've seen my daughter very little. But I am talking myself into going anyway, because Lisa is one of the most healing, peaceful people I know, and I have a feeling this is the jumping-off point to dealing with my own grief, and starting the "going through" process that can't be skipped over.