Powerful Article On An Important Topic

There's Always More To Say

I read this article at work earlier this week, and found myself choking back sobs at my desk. I am so very lucky to feel that my struggles with depression have been mostly mild to what Roman describes. But the way he describes his experience and feelings? That feels familiar to me, and reminds me to be more compassionate for what my daughter is experiencing now. 

It's amazing to me how you never know what people are dealing with - we can be pretty good at putting up false fronts. I discovered Roman's fitness blog a few years ago, and something about his writing always touched me. I actually follow his blog, and never fail to be interested in his Facebooks posts. At first glance, my middle-aged suburban mom life has nothing in common with this witty young bro, and my fitness routine is miles away from being as hardcore as his. So I have always had a hard time explaining the appeal of his writing to my friends and family. But after reading this post, I *get* the connection I feel to him. To Roman and all my friends and family who share these struggles, I do know that feeling of being in the hole of depression, and know how much effort it takes to simply reach out a hand for help. But know that if you are my people, I will always be here to grab hold of your hand, hard, and I won't let go.

Marking The Good Times

I started a post yesterday when I was having an extremely down-feeling day. Just one of those days where nothing particular had happened, yet my anxious brain was telling me I was doing everything wrong. My daughter is back in school and doing well, but I had this leftover feeling of dread from one final summer meltdown last weekend.

When I got home, my family was in a great mood and it turned my mood around. My daughter and I took a very long walk to a local park, and we had the best talk. My goal on our walk-and-talks is always to listen to what's on her mind, and ask good questions to elicit her feelings about what's going on with her. I can't even express my relief and happiness that she's on an upswing right now. While we were at the park, it started drizzling, which she absolutely loves. Luckily we didn't get soaked!

The sun started setting as we crossed the bridge on the way home, so we stopped and talked about all the colors of the sunset for a few minutes. Then I turned eastward, and noticed there was a complete rainbow in the sky! It was so beautiful, and lasted all the way until dark. We all went to bed early, and I had my fourth good night of sleep since May.

I am normally quite an optimistic person and able to trust there's good in most situations. My current anxiety and depression are temporary, and I will get through them. I remembered something my wise daughter said recently about "marking the good times," so she has them  stored to remember when she's having a sad day. I'm going to do the same, and last night will definitely be one of the good times I mark.

Anxiety sucks

"Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth . . ." repeat.

This has been my mantra the past couple of weeks. It has been tough, I'm not going to lie. 

At the beginning of this year, I briefly mentioned some trouble my family has been dealing with, specifically my daughter's struggle with anxiety. After months of therapy, then adding very mild meds, things were stabilized. But as soon as school let out for the summer, her mood took a nosedive. Last summer, I felt able to cope and be strong for her. For whatever reason, this time it has triggered my long-dormant anxiety, so now I feel like I'm barely hanging on. It has been probably 20 years since my anxiety has been this bad. Can't concentrate, can't sleep, racing heart, feeling snappish with everyone, and unable to separate my feelings from hers enough to help her cope. 

For me, it feels harder because I'm so introverted and unwilling to share my struggle with friends. My daughter is so extroverted she only feels like her feelings are valid when she's sharing them with others. She's also completely stubborn and not very cooperative with therapy. I feel like we're a toxic combination right now, when I should be able to be her strong support.  Add to that the guilt I feel that she inherited this from me, and I'm feeling pretty crummy and alone. 

I'm also going to have to put away my scale. She has become friends with several girls with eating disorders, and is starting to show signs of worrying about her (completely fine) weight. 

We have another therapy appointment tomorrow, so I'm hoping she finds a little relief there. And being the grownup who's been through it before, I will keep working the steps I know will help me feel better.