My New Preciouusssssss

Ha, that video cracks me up every time I think of it!

But seriously, since 2009 I have wanted a fitness tracker that will show me heart-rate, calories burned, overall daily activity, AND track my steps. I have loved my Polar heart-rate monitors, but never wanted to invest in a separate pedometer. 

So when I found out Apple was coming out with a watch that did all that *and more,* I was sold before I even laid eyes on it. I am an incurable Apple junkie, and have loved every single Apple piece of hardware I've bought. I've been saving my Christmas and birthday money in anticipation, so when I didn't hear anything terrible about the Apple Watch, and my WW buddy Lindsay loved hers, I finally pulled the trigger and ordered one. 

So far, so good! True to my life, my daughter "helped" me set it up out of the box, then wore it all evening. At this point, I know about 1% of what all it will do, so I'll have to convince Marlena to give me tutorials on all its features. 

(calling Dad on the "spy phone")

(my step workout this morning) 

I am really looking forward to playing with it more. I anticipate a completely dead battery by this evening!

Love, Actually

 (Oh my goodness, doesn't this scene just kill you?!)

The mom of a teen girl told me yesterday, "Can you imagine? 15 years old and thinks she's in love? *laughs*" I smiled politely, but yes, I can imagine. I may have forgotten most details about being a teenager, but man, do I ever remember the intense crushes I had. It was certainly different than the "tested for-better-for-worse, married with kids and a 30-year mortgage" kind of love. But as the parent of a new teen, I see through adult eyes that the positive side of teen love has such sweetness, trust, and purity. It makes my heart hurt because I see through jaded 44-year-old eyes that once someone has been hurt by a first love, they'll never have that exact experience again. 

Who are we as parents to belittle our children's emotional experiences? Why should I have any doubt that my child, who has always been securely attached and sweetly loving to our family, shouldn't also love her friends and boyfriend? After all, I've taught my child that loving new people doesn't mean we lose the love we feel for those already familiar to us - our hearts expand endlessly to make room for all those we love. I try to carefully vet the people we let in our family circle, but I believe that love and human connection are essential to her well-being. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic - after all, one of my all-time favorite movies is Love, Actually, and I'm an optimist who loves romances. But I do truly believe in all kinds of love: parents, grandparents, extended family, friends, and I do believe that the love teens feel is real. 

(With the caveat that I believe in supervision, responsibility, and am teaching personal respect and boundaries. I'm not endorsing Romeo & Juliet behavior, and have no desire to be a grandma for many years! And this post is not meant to violate anyone's privacy - it's merely my  reaction to a comment that was probably well-meant.)

(Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell was the best book I've read all summer. I highly recommend it!)

Marking The Good Times

I started a post yesterday when I was having an extremely down-feeling day. Just one of those days where nothing particular had happened, yet my anxious brain was telling me I was doing everything wrong. My daughter is back in school and doing well, but I had this leftover feeling of dread from one final summer meltdown last weekend.

When I got home, my family was in a great mood and it turned my mood around. My daughter and I took a very long walk to a local park, and we had the best talk. My goal on our walk-and-talks is always to listen to what's on her mind, and ask good questions to elicit her feelings about what's going on with her. I can't even express my relief and happiness that she's on an upswing right now. While we were at the park, it started drizzling, which she absolutely loves. Luckily we didn't get soaked!

The sun started setting as we crossed the bridge on the way home, so we stopped and talked about all the colors of the sunset for a few minutes. Then I turned eastward, and noticed there was a complete rainbow in the sky! It was so beautiful, and lasted all the way until dark. We all went to bed early, and I had my fourth good night of sleep since May.

I am normally quite an optimistic person and able to trust there's good in most situations. My current anxiety and depression are temporary, and I will get through them. I remembered something my wise daughter said recently about "marking the good times," so she has them  stored to remember when she's having a sad day. I'm going to do the same, and last night will definitely be one of the good times I mark.

Last Day of Summer

Today is the last weekday before Marlena returns to school on Monday. It has been the longest summer of my life, so I'm ready for school! I don't guess the kids are ever ready, but I know the routine will do a world of good for Marlena and her friends.

The end of the summer has been all about music. After an illness and injury during the spring musical, Marlena was ready for a break from singing for a while. She's done some really cool arts camps this summer: oil painting, film, a brief stint at pottery, an amazing dance intensive, as well as some dance classes. But after a lot of deliberation, she signed up for an a cappella camp the past two weeks, and she says it was probably the best extra-curricular she's ever done. She sang a solo in "Over The Rainbow," and helped organize a quintet to sing "Run To You," a very difficult Pentatonix song, in four days. The kids were so proud to pull that off!

It has been a summer of many changes, learning about ourselves, learning to trust, learning about relationships, learning to let go a little, and most of all, learning that parenting a teen is more different from parenting an elementary-aged kid than I could have imagined.

I have also learned that even if I loosen the choke hold on my diet a little bit, I won't suddenly balloon back to 300 pounds. It hasn't been that difficult to maintain my weight this summer, thank goodness. My gut-churning anxiety is still around, but I finally made a doctor's appointment to get it checked out. Probably the best part of my summer has been taking evening walks with Marlena. I'm sure the extra activity has helped offset my more moderate diet. I'm mostly grateful for the opportunity to listen to her thoughts and keep our lines of communication open.

The Only Way Out Is Through

We Americans like shortcuts, don't we? I know I do. I'm always looking for the quickest, most-efficient way to do pretty much every task. When I was in labor, the hospital doula told me something I've never forgotten: "The only way out is through." Holy cow, that pretty much summarized childbirth for me! But I've realized since then that it applies to many other life situations. I found it very true with weight loss and fitness. *Feeling* feelings, which I used to eat to numb.

Grief is a big one. I remember going through a period of about 10 years where I simply didn't cry much. But boy howdy, did I eat! No coincidence that was the time period where I experienced the biggest gains of my life.

My family experienced a big loss last week. My Pa-Pa (my mom's father) passed away at age 94. Although his health hadn't been great the past few months, he was able to be home and driving until the last four days of his life when he had a sudden illness. The speed of his illness was very hard on my mom, but we are all happy he didn't have to give up his independence, which was one of his defining personality traits. He was the smartest man any of us ever knew, and in reminiscing this weekend, I realize I get so much of my personality from him.

I spent the weekend being strong for my mom and helping as much as I could with all the arrangements. My husband and I played and sang at the funeral, which was the first time I've ever attempted that. So much being strong, and today I am completely spent. Truthfully, I have been running on fumes all summer - my husband and I had a long discussion where he thought last summer was the worst ever, but I think this one has been. Constant stress and worry about my daughter has left me feeling gutted every day. We're doing everything we can, and as the school year approaches, we're seeing signs that she's returning to herself.

In the midst of the funeral planning, my massage therapist called to book an appointment for my expiring Living Social coupon. Mentally, I know I need it now more than ever. I'm feeling guilty about taking the hour away from home, when I've been gone for 5 days, the refrigerator is pretty empty, the laundry not done, the house not clean, and I've seen my daughter very little. But I am talking myself into going anyway, because Lisa is one of the most healing, peaceful people I know, and I have a feeling this is the jumping-off point to dealing with my own grief, and starting the "going through" process that can't be skipped over.

Food Truck Friday

Does your town have food truck gatherings? I find them fun once in a while, and we've even visited food trucks when we've been on vacation. This month, the St. Louis Art Museum is having a film series on Friday nights, where they have food trucks all evening, then a movie outdoors after dark. We went this past Friday, and it was a really nice time. My daughter brought a friend, and they had the best time exploring the museum all evening.
For me, the only downside to food trucks is that it's sometimes hard to find food that feels like my preferred variety of healthy. But I got so excited when I saw the Revel food truck there. I've never eaten at their cafe, but my husband said it was delicious. They actually received a write-up in the New York Times this spring.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/26/travel/restaurant-report-athlete-eats-in-st-louis.html?_r=0I had the "“caulichilada” which tasted completely amazing! Now I've been craving it all week! Then I had a paleo chocolate cookie from the coffee truck for dessert. I was completely satisfied, and it was all so delicious.
I realized I've talked a lot lately about following moderation and being more flexible with family meals as a good example. This situation was the best of both worlds - it was a rare opportunity to have it all!

Modeling Moderation

I hope everyone had a very happy July 4th weekend! Our 4th was nice, but having July 5th on a Sunday was my favorite day in a while. The weather was perfect - high 80s but not too humid. Every place we went in St. Louis had little to no crowds. This is Art Hill in Forest Park - normally it would be packed on a beautiful day like yesterday. We went to the pool, the Art Museum, did a little shopping, and tried a new-to-St. Louis ice cream parlor.

Oh, and Marlena did my face for me. I always love the way she does it, and she frequently asks if she can apply my makeup. I just ignore the wrinkles, ha! 

If you ever get a chance to try Jeni's Ice Cream, I highly recommend it! Marlena was cracking up that she somehow got hot fudge all over her arm! 

But the ice cream brings me to my topic: Modeling Moderation. 

Moderation has never come naturally to me. Honestly, I didn't lose 150 pounds by eating/exercising moderately. As the mom of a daughter, I have tried to never ever say negative things about my body, but there have been many times I've said things like, "I *have* to work out!" or eaten different meals from my family to stay On-Plan. From everything I've read, I have internalized the message that "being hardcore" is the most efficient way to maintain. I try to follow most of Dr. Barbara Berkeley's rules from "Refuse To Regain," including weighing and exercising daily and keeping gains to a bare minimum. A couple years ago, though, I made a choice to eat more treats with Marlena, solely for the purpose of modeling moderation. I'm OK with my extra 15 pounds that resulted. 

In the past six weeks, though, we (Marlena, my husband and I, and a couple adults close to her) have become concerned about her vulnerability to eating disorders. It goes hand in hand with her other emotional issues, and it appears to be widespread among a group of her friends. At this point, her food intake hasn't changed, I don't think her weight has changed, but she's begun tracking her food on My Fitness Pal and worrying about her weight and what she eats. She's also begun running, and continues to love dance. My mama gut instinct tells me she does not have an eating disorder, but we are watching it carefully. My gut also tells me that her running is probably 50% for her mood, and 50% for her weight. 

I have always been very open with my family that the main reason I exercise daily is to maintain my mood. So I shouldn't be surprised that, from the list of 100 Ways To Self-Soothe her therapist gave her, she chose exercise. She's been watching Mama self-soothe with exercise for 8 years! 

All this is just to say that there's a reason I've been eating ice cream this summer, even when I'm not really in the mood. My kiddo and husband absolutely LOVE ice cream! It completely breaks my heart to watch Marlena talk herself out of an ice cream because she thinks it has too many calories. So when she says she wants it, I cheerfully walk her to the ice cream parlor in our neighborhood, and we enjoy the heck out of those ice creams. I enjoy the heck out of our walk & talks. And I say "f- it" to the ice cream calories, because showing her it's OK to be moderate is one of my most important jobs right now.