What happened??

I got a bad surprise last week. I normally track my weight in My Fitness Pal on Thursdays. I vaguely thought, "Hm, I don't remember tracking that last Thursday, so I guess I'll have two weeks to enter." Imagine my shock when I logged in and realized my last weight check-in was September 10 - five weeks without logging my weight! That hasn't happened since I began WW in 2008! I have been weighing most days, so I had an idea of the number. But it's no accident that when I looked through my food tracker, there were many blank days where I had completely forgotten to even log in and track my daily food or exercise. Notice a pattern??

The ugly truth is I picked up 11 pounds during my anxiety meltdown and sad spell over the past five weeks. The heaviness I felt in my day-to-day life wasn't just in my chest - it was also in my gut and thighs. Boo! This photo was taken yesterday, and thankfully with the autumn clothes, I don't feel like it's noticeable.

Last Thursday, I just woke up feeling more like myself - I don't know how else to describe it. I also realized I'd forgotten to check on a fairly important work task over the same period - it just completely slipped my mind. I have had anxiety spells before, but I don't recall ever losing five weeks of my life before. This was the first time I felt unable to fully function most days, and it's something I feel I need to address with my doctor.

The situation that has been making me sad is pretty much resolved, except in my worry brain. There's nothing I can do to make it better, and I honestly think I'm the only person who is still worrying about it. Isn't there a Buddhist teaching that says something like, "Suffering comes from refusing to accept a situation?" That's so me, and I cause myself a lot of pain with my inability/refusal to just let go. I have this thing where, if a life event doesn't make any sense, I just work and work it over in my mind, until suddenly the truth sifts to the surface, and resonates with a loud "dong" in my mind. I'm not there yet, but I know when I get there, I will be at peace with it.

One thing that makes me feel better is at least I have picked back up with my exercise in the past week, and I've been filling all three circles on my Apple Watch most days. My food choices haven't been terrible, but they have been excessive pretty much every day. Both bread and sugar have welcomed me back with open arms, and neither react well with my system. 

Time to act and eat mindfully again. Time to get honest about my intake. Time to walk the walk I always say: "If the problem isn't hunger, then food isn't the answer." 

Musical Autumn

I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to be back in the swing of Marlena's musical life this autumn. Here she is with her Allegro Voice Company, part of the pre-professional division at her arts center. This is her first year with the group, and I love hearing about the talented, fun kids she's meeting there. It's at the same arts school where she takes tap and ballet.

We were all sad when her community theater group imploded, and she decided to not audition for any shows this fall. She is stage managing her school play, and having a fantastic time with that. We've also attended a few shows, and been really into musical theater soundtracks lately. I will admit that on our evening walks, she usually sings at least one Broadway number, sometimes with choreography. I'm sure our neighbors think we are insane, but it's harmless fun.

A couple weeks ago, we saw the musical Heathers with our longtime family friends. The photo above is the Broadway cast, but the community production we saw was fantastic! It was one of the first regional productions of the show, with a tiny budget, but featured fantastic singing actors. Even the ensemble was completely tight. The musical version was a bit less dark than the movie, although still not appropriate for 8th graders, but we all enjoyed it a lot. My girlfriend and I laughingly gave ourselves Bad Parent awards for this choice.

Then last week, we went with the same friends to see a high school production of Shrek The Musical. Marlena's Allegro friend played Fiona, and she did a fantastic job. It was the complete opposite end of the spectrum from the community theater we're used to. I cannot imagine the budget for this production: the costumes looked like the Broadway costumes, and every set change made my jaw drop. It actually made me really sad for the state of the arts budget at our public school.

And lastly, I am now completely addicted to the Hamilton soundtrack. Have you heard it? Wow, it's amazing! I won't even try to describe it, but I will share the review that led me to first listen to the soundtrack: Jamie Lee Curtis Hamilton review. Seriously, it's on Spotify - listen to at least the first seven numbers (through Jonathan Groff's brilliant King George number) and tell me what you think!

Sometimes Half-Assed Is Good Enough

I thought I would find my Apple Watch super motivating for my activity. I do really enjoy having one device on my wrist that tracks both my heart rate and my steps. But in the few days since I got it, I've gotten the distinct impression that I've been half-assing my workouts. And you know what? It's OK. This morning I did 35 minutes of a 70-minute kickboxing DVD. Then I shut it off, fixed breakfast, and got on with my day. It was good enough. This year, I'm scheduling five early-morning workouts every week, of about 35-45 minutes each. I'm usually doing one HIIT, one steady-state cardio, two strength training, and maybe one metabolic conditioning workout. This is down from six 60-minute workouts I did a few years ago when I was trying to maintain 15 pounds lighter. 

At this point in my life, I am dealing with the beginnings of peri-menopause and helping my daughter deal with her mental health. I am lucky if I get one good night's sleep each week. I am keeping healthy food on the table, and my daughter and I take a 30-60 minute leisure walk-and-talk almost every evening, purely for relaxation and to unwind. Nothing is forever, and this is a temporary season of life. My weight is staying pretty steady, my clothes fit, and my food is pretty automated. I am content with this right now. Even on mornings when I can barely drag myself through a workout and my heart rate is pitifully low, it is OK. I feel like as long as I am getting on my workout clothes and doing *something* for 30 minutes a day, everything will be OK.

In other news, Marlena and I had the best time at the Kacey Musgraves concert on Friday. Marlena talked the rest of the weekend about how great the concert was, and what a nice, relaxing atmosphere it was. Two nice bonuses from the concert: we discovered a new band we love, Humming House. And we had a great time visiting with the dad and daughter who sat with us. It was just lovely having such a relaxing evening out with my kiddo, and watching Marlena enjoy live music with every fiber of her being is always an experience.

Powerful Article On An Important Topic

There's Always More To Say

I read this article at work earlier this week, and found myself choking back sobs at my desk. I am so very lucky to feel that my struggles with depression have been mostly mild to what Roman describes. But the way he describes his experience and feelings? That feels familiar to me, and reminds me to be more compassionate for what my daughter is experiencing now. 

It's amazing to me how you never know what people are dealing with - we can be pretty good at putting up false fronts. I discovered Roman's fitness blog a few years ago, and something about his writing always touched me. I actually follow his blog, and never fail to be interested in his Facebooks posts. At first glance, my middle-aged suburban mom life has nothing in common with this witty young bro, and my fitness routine is miles away from being as hardcore as his. So I have always had a hard time explaining the appeal of his writing to my friends and family. But after reading this post, I *get* the connection I feel to him. To Roman and all my friends and family who share these struggles, I do know that feeling of being in the hole of depression, and know how much effort it takes to simply reach out a hand for help. But know that if you are my people, I will always be here to grab hold of your hand, hard, and I won't let go.

My New Preciouusssssss

Ha, that video cracks me up every time I think of it!

But seriously, since 2009 I have wanted a fitness tracker that will show me heart-rate, calories burned, overall daily activity, AND track my steps. I have loved my Polar heart-rate monitors, but never wanted to invest in a separate pedometer. 

So when I found out Apple was coming out with a watch that did all that *and more,* I was sold before I even laid eyes on it. I am an incurable Apple junkie, and have loved every single Apple piece of hardware I've bought. I've been saving my Christmas and birthday money in anticipation, so when I didn't hear anything terrible about the Apple Watch, and my WW buddy Lindsay loved hers, I finally pulled the trigger and ordered one. 

So far, so good! True to my life, my daughter "helped" me set it up out of the box, then wore it all evening. At this point, I know about 1% of what all it will do, so I'll have to convince Marlena to give me tutorials on all its features. 

(calling Dad on the "spy phone")

(my step workout this morning) 

I am really looking forward to playing with it more. I anticipate a completely dead battery by this evening!

Love, Actually

 (Oh my goodness, doesn't this scene just kill you?!)

The mom of a teen girl told me yesterday, "Can you imagine? 15 years old and thinks she's in love? *laughs*" I smiled politely, but yes, I can imagine. I may have forgotten most details about being a teenager, but man, do I ever remember the intense crushes I had. It was certainly different than the "tested for-better-for-worse, married with kids and a 30-year mortgage" kind of love. But as the parent of a new teen, I see through adult eyes that the positive side of teen love has such sweetness, trust, and purity. It makes my heart hurt because I see through jaded 44-year-old eyes that once someone has been hurt by a first love, they'll never have that exact experience again. 

Who are we as parents to belittle our children's emotional experiences? Why should I have any doubt that my child, who has always been securely attached and sweetly loving to our family, shouldn't also love her friends and boyfriend? After all, I've taught my child that loving new people doesn't mean we lose the love we feel for those already familiar to us - our hearts expand endlessly to make room for all those we love. I try to carefully vet the people we let in our family circle, but I believe that love and human connection are essential to her well-being. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic - after all, one of my all-time favorite movies is Love, Actually, and I'm an optimist who loves romances. But I do truly believe in all kinds of love: parents, grandparents, extended family, friends, and I do believe that the love teens feel is real. 

(With the caveat that I believe in supervision, responsibility, and am teaching personal respect and boundaries. I'm not endorsing Romeo & Juliet behavior, and have no desire to be a grandma for many years! And this post is not meant to violate anyone's privacy - it's merely my  reaction to a comment that was probably well-meant.)

(Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell was the best book I've read all summer. I highly recommend it!)

Marking The Good Times

I started a post yesterday when I was having an extremely down-feeling day. Just one of those days where nothing particular had happened, yet my anxious brain was telling me I was doing everything wrong. My daughter is back in school and doing well, but I had this leftover feeling of dread from one final summer meltdown last weekend.

When I got home, my family was in a great mood and it turned my mood around. My daughter and I took a very long walk to a local park, and we had the best talk. My goal on our walk-and-talks is always to listen to what's on her mind, and ask good questions to elicit her feelings about what's going on with her. I can't even express my relief and happiness that she's on an upswing right now. While we were at the park, it started drizzling, which she absolutely loves. Luckily we didn't get soaked!

The sun started setting as we crossed the bridge on the way home, so we stopped and talked about all the colors of the sunset for a few minutes. Then I turned eastward, and noticed there was a complete rainbow in the sky! It was so beautiful, and lasted all the way until dark. We all went to bed early, and I had my fourth good night of sleep since May.

I am normally quite an optimistic person and able to trust there's good in most situations. My current anxiety and depression are temporary, and I will get through them. I remembered something my wise daughter said recently about "marking the good times," so she has them  stored to remember when she's having a sad day. I'm going to do the same, and last night will definitely be one of the good times I mark.